New idea

For the next semester I am going to try an experiment. I am going to post excerpts of my personal practice journal on this blog so that I can include my readers in this portion of my recovery process. Please to not criticize or share this information with anyone who could possibly use it against me in any way. I am using this semester to develop my own new life routine, one that will be healthy in every way and promote my continuing journey toward recovery. Please pray for me as you follow my updates and feel free to offer any kind suggestions or advice. To begin, here is an excerpt from today:

1/19/10- I have been contemplating the most effective way to continue to help my body heal in every way that it needs to- physically, mentally, emotionally. I had a very very bad few days from Friday-Saturday, due to what I think was my own pressuring of myself to push myself hard all the time in every way. I was talking myself down, without even necessarily realizing it and I got to a very depressed state. I chose to take Sunday off from every kind of work except spiritual. I was able, through the Holy Spirit, to refocus on God and direct all of those pressures I was feeling away from myself by focussing on my purpose in light of God’s will. I was reminded through a few Father’s House sermons that God always picks the most unlikely person- the barren woman or young boy or the virgin girl- to change history. For this, I am an excellent candidate. Come on! A clarinetist with a jaw injury?! But rather than looking at the situation as impossible, I have to, I must, see the truth- God always always works in impossible situations, for nothing is impossible with him. I choose, right now, to view this semester in that light. That anything that seems impossible to me is actually an opportunity for God to work mightily- visibly!- so that the blind, and my heart which is oftentimes blinded by fear, may see him and know he is the only God. I asked him who he was the other day and he said, “I AM.” No kidding?! 

My goal for this semester is to discover my own practice routine, meaning essentially, the pace at which I will move, the amount of time my body needs to rest, the amount of time I should spend playing my clarinet vs. the amount of time I should spend listening, journaling, and overall practicing mentally- quietly contemplating music, my body in relation to music. I will also try to find a way to nourish my body that is effective, enjoyable, and continues to help my healing process and give me energy and clarity of mind. I also need an exercise program that will aid in my continued recovery rather than hindering it in any way. 

So, over the last few days, I have been paying close attention to what it is that my body needs from me. I will list my observations*:

Sleep: I need 8 hours of sleep right now. I feel rested after 8 hours of sleep, 7 1/2 at the least. This is difficult because I am in college, but my goal is to heal right now and I must not deprive my body of its rest, especially since my brain has so much information to sort through during this period of intense analysis of my every habit. So, my goal will be to get 8 hours of sleep every night.

Exercise: I feel so wonderfully alert today, I think due to the fact that I have been to the pool twice and the ice rink once in the last 4 days. Today, I woke up at 7:30 and went to the pool to swim for 20 minutes, which seems to be a good amount of time for me- anymore and I am afraid  I would strain my neck and shoulders too badly. I also had my Keys to Healthy Music Class at which we did a two hour Tai Chi session which included an effective centering session. I need to be careful because I do have a pretty nasty spasm in my right shoulder right now which I am treating with my tens unit as I type. I want to get up at about 7:00 every morning and swim, stretch and go through a few of the movements I learned today every day for the next few weeks to just see how my body responds over a set period of time. Of course, I will monitor my pain and stress levels and adjust accordingly.

Tentative Exercise Schedule- 7:00 am- awake, 7:10-20- stretch, 7:35-55- swim, (shower, etc.), 8:45-9:00- tai chi/stretch

Food: 3 regular meals + afternoon and evening snacks. I will try to have fruit and yogurt and wheat bread every morning for breakfast. Lunch will be protein in some form (meat, eggs, cheese, beans), vegetables/fruit (depending on what is offered), carbs in form of bread or pasta. I would like to have a protein shake before dinner on any day I can and with dinner if necessary to help with my muscle building as I exercise. I will also eat some dried apples for sugar and fiber (plus, they are organic and easy to get at Wegman’s). Then I will have dinner, similar to lunch- I want to make sure I eat fresh vegetables and fruit at the dc too. My evening snack is more of a reward, a cup of tea or cocoa and popcorn or a few cookies or something like that. This is to reward myself for sticking to my goals throughout the day and to help me relax before bed. 

Hydration: bottle of gatorade + two bottles of water every day (green tea to the equivalent of the same amount of water works also)

Practice: I want to try doing 1 part physical/2 parts mental practice for the next 2 weeks to see how that works out. With the exception of Saturday which I will leave open as a light playing day/heavy listening day, unless I feel fabulous and want to play more. 

Rest: I will try to have reading/tv time every evening possible for 45 minutes or so and will take Sunday entirely off for the next two weeks. If that doesn’t work, I will alter it, but I want to give it a chance to settle in. I also need to schedule in 45 minutes to talk to Ty in the evenings. 

My homework will get fit into the times when I am not practicing and will take precedence over my 45 minutes of reading/tv in the evenings.

Spiritual life: I will spend 1/2 hour every morning with God. (Breakfast with God appointments work nicely). Church every Sunday and will listen to one or twoish sermons along with reading more on the weekends. God will be at the center of everything I do because, as I have seen, I cannot do this on my own strength. He is my Healer and I will trust him to do a good work in my life daily. I will make the concious decision to trust Him daily. 

*This plan is a two week plan. I will stick to it for two weeks and will adjust it as necessary on February 2nd. 

I am really excited to see what the outcome of this endeavor will be! I will remain positive even on days when I am experiencing more stress and will remain driven even on days that are less stressful. I want to move more slowly, think more slowly and conserve my energy more effectively and that requires not thinking so hard all the time and just learning to breathe through life. Above all, I will meditate on this verse for the next two weeks. 

Are you tired? 

Worn out? 

Burned out on religion? 

Come to me. 

Get away with me and you'll recover your life. 

I'll show you how to take a real rest. 

Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. 

Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. 

I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. 

Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Matthew 11:28-30 The Message

Do I have to scream?!

Does anybody know how I feel?

Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome

Does anybody care what's going on?

Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm

For you to see me, I need release

Do I have to scream for you to hear me?

Do I have to bleed for you to see me?

'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me

Do I need to scream?

Has anybody seen what's been done?

Where was my defense? No one heard my protest

The eyes of God were watching me

It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released

So I can breathe again

I'm on my knees

I've been marked, set apart

But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark

One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand

Is enough to heal me and make me stand

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me

I don't have to scream for Him to hear me

Don't have to bleed for Him to see me

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me

I don't have to scream

I don't have to bleed

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening

And I don't have to scream

-"scream" by zoe girl

This is how I feel. How I have felt for the last year... Jesus is faithful. That's what I keep telling myself. 

Isaiah 61:1

Bind up the broken-hearted, Lord 

We can’t bind our own wounds

Pour forth your power on us, Lord

We can’t bind our own wounds

Sovereign God, how great Thou art

Healer of the sins of man

Fill us Lord, fill up our hearts

Reach down with your holy hand

Bind up the broken-hearted, Lord

We can’t bind our own wounds

Pour forth your power on us, Lord

We can’t bind our own wounds

Mighty God, your truth does reign

Your power firmly conquers fear

Healer, take away our pain

Wipe our stains and dry our tears

Bind up the broken-hearted, Lord

We can’t bind our own wounds

Pour forth your power on us, Lord

We can’t bind our own wounds

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners...

Angry

I haven't written in awhile, mostly because the Eastman School of Music seems to think it is the Eastman School of Music Theory and I have essentially been too busy with random homework assignments to do anything else. Not that I am complaining, because I am learning an awful lot. Besides, there are much worse things in life than Schoenberg and Webern. 
I am going to write a book (no- not this entry, don't worry- it will not be terribly long). When I woke up this morning (40 minutes later than planned *ahem*) I decided that I really have no choice but to write a book someday. My book will be all about suffering and promises and pain and hope- because those things must go together. In life, you truly cannot have one of those things without the others. If you never experience pain or suffering, there is no need to hope. If promises did not exist, we would have no foundation on which to build up our hope. Let me tell you, were it not for God's promises and the hope I have in them, I would not be living this life right now. I would have run away- a supremely long time ago. 
Life is not good right now. I can say that, for the first time I can really say that my life is just not good. Aspects of it are wonderful- God's blessings still remain. But overall, my life is not good at this moment. Suffering and pain are so near to me that I am even conscious of them when I am asleep. Because I really do not get any relief, I am absolutely exhausted. All the time. If you know me well, you know I like to be active and that I never procrastinate. I'm the kid who has her paper turned in a week early. I practice my clarinet- I practice hard. I love to practice. In fact, right at this second, there is no place on earth I would rather be than in a steaming hot Eastman practice room working harder than I ever have before. If I could just waltz over to the annex like everyone else and spend several hours refining my skill- that would be heaven on earth to me right now. I long for the day when I say, "Geeze. I'm tired of practicing. I need a break." Oh my word- how I will smile when that every-day, conservatory student phrase escapes my lips once again. Then I will go straight back to my practice room and revel in the fact that I don't want to practice, and yet I can! And I am! 
This may seem silly, I mean, how can my inability to practice my instrument physically- especially when my mind works and I am able to practice mentally- make me say that my life is actually not good? Well, about the mental practicing thing, it is working. I am learning so much just by studying my parts intensely with scores and parts and recordings... however, since I am actually improving as a musician, this makes me long to play even more than I ever have. For me, the increase of skill becomes the increase of desire. 
One of the lessons I am learning right now- believe it or not- is that, as a raise my own standards for myself and the way I conduct myself, I must not hold others accountable to my own standards. See, when I walk through Eastman and hear anyone complain about anything I get angry. My pride and self-righteousness rear up inside and cause anger because "how can you be so selfish? You complain about having to practice more than you want to while I can't even hold my instrument." You don't want to practice? Fine, trade lives with me. I'll practice for you. You don't want to learn your music because you think it is stupid or you are above it? Trade lives with me. I'll learn it for you. You can spend your weekend alone in your room keeping your jaw still, not talking, chewing or practicing, so that when Monday comes you can play your instrument in rehearsal. Then you see how you feel if I don't know my part and the ensemble sounds crappy- even though you have sacrificed so much, just to be able to play in that ensemble. Add to those emotions a very heavy dosage of steroids and cortizone shots- all to try to target the inflammation in the afore-mentioned jaw - and see, just see how you feel. 
I know I sound bitter. I hate this because I am getting angry. I haven't struggled with anger like this before and I desperately want it to go away. As I type, I remember the sermon at church yesterday was actually entirely on the topic of anger. Anger, if used properly, is a Godly passion and I believe I do have the right to be angry right now. The pastor said, yesterday, that he thinks Paul must have sat in prison and- after a week was praising God for the opportunity to suffer for the cross. After 6 months, was begging God for the strength to face tomorrow. After 2 years? He was asking God how angry he was allowed to get before God smashed him... Yeah, I'm about at my two year mark. And I am angry at Satan. I am angry because Satan attacks me with fears and doubts and causes me to question my Lover and Saviour, Jesus. He whispers lies in my ear telling me that "Your God is mighty to save... and yet, He will not save you will he?" And I cry out again and again and again and again and again and again. Jesus- SAVE ME! I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE. And Jesus, my wonderful Jesus, says, "Darling. I will transform your Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope... so you can live unafraid in peace and safety... I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the LORD." (From Hosea 2 NLT)
So, my anger is justified. However, please pray that I do not turn that anger into bitterness towards those whom my Jesus loves- I am His servant and I desire to do His bidding. I want to love those around me, despite my anger at the devil and his lies and the pain that the sin of this world has subjected me to. The truth is, we all deserve to suffer. The other truth is, we don't have to nor does Jesus want us to. That's why I know he is going to heal me someday. 
Two nights ago, I stayed up late talking to Erin... we were sharing very deep- somewhat scary- parts of our spiritual lives. We went to bed around 2 so that we could get up for church the next morning. At 7:30 (an hour and a half before I needed to be up) I woke up suddenly and remember being really mad that God had let me wake up- sleep is so precious because it is the only time that my pain has any sort of "relief." He said, "Shhh... I know. I'm sorry. But I need you to pray for Erin and then you can go back to sleep." So I prayed for Erin and rolled over and went back to sleep. Halfway between asleep and awake, I had the sudden realization that there was not one bit- one tiny little bit of pain in my body. I think I smiled at that realization, but knew that the pain would come back in a few seconds. It did, but I fell asleep and slept very peacefully for an hourish. I woke up for church and remembered that moment and was filled with joy. For a few hours, I was joyful! Then, of course, the pain and the weight of my responsibilities crowded in and I had to fight depression and bitterness again... but that memory of a few seconds of no pain remained with me. As I lay in bed that night, getting ready to fall asleep and having a brief phone conversation with Ty (who is in Texas), I was telling him about the incident. I realized, in speaking about it, that more truth was made known to me. I know that Jesus was actually touching me and taking my pain during those few seconds. When he removed his hand, the pain came back, but peace and hope and belief remained. He touched me and I felt his healing power. I have felt it- therefore I must believe in it... not longer just on faith must I believe, but I now have the privilege of believing from experience. My Jesus can heal and with one simple touch, pain- all pain- completely disappears. 
Someday, he will touch me again. He will rid me of this thorn and the shackles which bind me to this pain. He will completely restore me.
I believe. 

Leaving home is really hard. Especially this time... Trusting God shouldn't be this hard, but for some reason- it is. 

Psalm 27

The Lord is my light and my salvation- so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble? When evil people come to devour me, when my enemies and foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident. The one thing I ask of the Lord- the thing I seek most- is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord's perfections and meditating in his temple. For he will conceal me there when troubles come; he will hide me in his sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock. Then I will hold my head high above my enemies who surround me. At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy, singing and praising the Lord with music. Hear me as I pray, O Lord. Be merciful and answer me! My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me." And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming." Do not turn your back on me. Do not reject your servant in anger. You have always been my helper. Don't leave me now; don't abandon me, O God of my salvation! Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. Teach me how to live, O Lord. Lead me along the right path, for my enemies are waiting for me. Do not let me fall into their hands. For they accuse me of things I've never done; with every breath they threaten me with violence. Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord, be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord. 

Jeremiah 8:20+22

The harvest is finished, the summer is gone... yet we are not saved!

Is there no medicine in Gilead? Is there no physician there? 

Why is there no healing for the wounds of my people?

Decisions are so strange... especially as you get older. I've been learning a lot about decisions, especially about making my own decisions. Something about me- I have always listened to my parents. The Bible is so emphatic about honoring and obeying our fathers and mothers- I take it very seriously! Well, really, my parents have helped me to take it seriously. They have always been fair and shown their wisdom by seeking God's council and helping me to do so as well. They have also taught me to seek council and advice from other authority figures- my clarinet teachers are people I listen to and trust explicitly!!! Last week, I had to consider taking a semester off from school. It was so strange, my parents and I seemed to be on a different page entirely. They thought I should absolutely not take the semester off. Because my teachers were in favor of the break, I was highly confused. After lot's of talking and praying- I really decided that I would have to make this decision myself- weigh all of the advice, but ultimately do what I thought would be best for me. I decided to go back to school.

At church last Sunday, I was struggling with what the right choice would be. I could not decide what to do. I so badly wanted to return to school, I didn't want to "put my life on hold." However, I also did not want to do something stupid and putting myself in an environment where my injury might not be properly treated could be very dangerous. I prayed, "Father, please speak to me in the sermon today. Tell me what to do." I didn't think he actually would- in my experience, God doesn't usually give an absolute yes or no right when I want it. But, he does love me and will always meet my needs...

The sermon that day was on a passage from Luke- dealing with the issue of sickness and sin- namely leprosy. As soon as the pastor (Dr. Kitchens) started speaking, my ears perked up. He said "sickness and sin" and I'm thinking "Hecks Yes!!" God is going to tell me what to do. Dr. Kitchens focused on the point that sickness- a result of our fallen state- is a symbol of sin. The consequence of leprosy was isolation. Isolation from the entire community. I started thinking about how the result of my injury could mean isolation from the environment I love. Only for a semester- not a huge deal. But then Dr. Kitchens spoke about how, because sickness is a result of sin, Satan will try to use the consequences of sickness to keep us from feeling fulfilled. I could definitely identify with that. Definitely. He hit the nail on the head when he said that spiritual sickness (the absence of faith in Christ) is waaaay more of a problem than physical sickness, we always want to be healed of physical sickness- it's harder to know when you're spiritually sick- and spiritual sickness isn't something people often just want to be healed of. That's when I thought- I need to go back. God has opened the door for me to be healed at home or at school and, honestly, I don't think there would be any problem with me choosing either direction. The truth is- I believe God opened the door for me to choose what I want to do- he works all things for the good of those who love him. Not every situation is like his- but when we earnestly and faithfully seek God, he promises to bless our efforts. Essentially, I believe God will heal me wherever I am in his own time. I am doing what I want to do- going back to my mission field to serve God. This is the hardest way, not going to lie. It would be easier to stay home for multiple reasons. Doctors, no classes, Ty is here, living at home. But, I love school and I love doing what God has called me to do. Eastman- here I come! Again.

As soon as that decision was made- and even harder one followed. By seeking God, I believe I was able to choose the best way to handle the situation. Building an altar to the Lord to remember the last two weeks seems appropriate...

Today I walked down to the levy from my house... it is a beautiful, albeit hot day in Fort Worth, Texas and I only have a few more days to enjoy "home" before heading back to my other "home." Isn't it funny how home is not ever just a place? I think it is the weirdest thing... every time I leave home for school, it is bittersweet. Every time I leave school for home, it is bittersweet. I'm amazed at how God has provided me with family in both locations. Two years ago, I never would have thought it was possible to love two places the way I love good ol' Fort Worth and Rochester. 

The levy was so beautiful, brilliant blue sky with a few fluffy clouds- all results of the massive thunder storm that woke me up last night. The river was relatively full for August and very still. Grasshoppers were just having a heyday and a few wildflowers were still surviving the heat. I'm thankful for my ability to appreciate the beauty of God's creation today. Isn't it strange and intriguing that there are days when our senses are heightened by God's love and also days when we cannot perceive the beauty around us for the heaviness of our hearts? Yesterday was a heavy heart day... today, I feel wrapped ever so tightly in God's grace. However, it is always going to be a constant battle. That's what life is, a consistently fiercer battle. 

A friend of mine once reminded me that God shows his love for us by constantly refining us- a refiner's fire is going to be hot... there is no way to avoid pain. But when we feel this pain, we are assured of our Father's deep love for us. It makes me think of the song, "Consuming fire, fan into flame a passion for your name! Spirit of God, fall in this place. Lord, have your way. Lord, have your way with us." 

So, I am going to continually try to dwell contentedly in the promise that pain is only a necessity of this life, preparing me for the future. We are aliens and strangers in this land- we should always long for something more. This longing should be characterized by the sweetness of peace in God... something he is always ready to provide if we just ask and allow his love to quiet our hearts. If you haven't ever, listen to Mercy Me's song, "Homesick." It's been stuck in my head a lot lately!